Come as You Are, You’ll be Loved…But if You’re Gay, it Means Psychological Torture
The newer non-denominational churches that do such a great job making faith accessible to people — great music, relevant sermons, fantastic kids programs, not to mention really good coffee — are some of the only churches thriving in this religious bear market. Come as you are, you’ll be loved, is more than a slogan in many of these great churches.
The large ones tend to harbor more LGBTQ+ people than you might think. Because it’s easier to be anonymous — hidden — if you want to be. But here’s the rub: even when you’re on the periphery of a church like this, you can feel the love all around you … and it starts to feel like it’s for you as much as anyone. But the people who love us dearly can also harm us unwittingly.
We crave connections and many of us crave the something more that faith communities offer. These cravings are not easily distinguished. So the love in these churches draws us in. When someone cares about you, asks questions about your life (and then actually listens to your answers), invites you to dinner at their house (who does that anymore?), you can’t help but open yourself up to them … and to their ideas. As is normal, natural, the way of humans with their own kind.
The Danger Lurks Beneath the Surface
In the case of the person who is not straight or gender-conforming, this where the danger lurks. Remember, in these churches there isn’t a lot of talk about Hell. There’s isn’t a lot of overt Religious Right propaganda. You may attend for a year or two and never hear a sermon reference to abortion or homosexuality or divorce. But beneath this surface, buried in doctrinal statements or position papers that are not publicized, distributed to leaders who are told to keep them confidential — the people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, are regarded as, well …. as off. Off the Jesus or the Bible or the orthodox-belief center. Turned away from the biblical ideal or the will of God. And when you dig around some more, you will find that loving someone of the same gender or presenting as the gender you experience yourself to be when that is different than the M or F on your driver’s license, is actually regarded as intrinsically disordered, or some other euphemism for perverse, unnatural, a sin against the divine nature.
If the church you are going to wouldn’t perform weddings for people of the same gender, and wouldn’t ordain someone who is not straight or gender-conforming, there’s only on reason: they regard all same-gender sex or any gender transition as deeply, deeply, sinful. The texts they use to justify these beliefs include words like “abomination” and phrases like “sin against nature.” Those these texts, read in context, don’t actually describe you, they will be applied to you. None of this will come at you with a scowling, finger-wagging tone of condemnation. If it comes, it will come with a genuine warmth and and a look of loving personal concern.
You Will Feel How You Are Regarded
But there is no amount of love-padding that can blunt the harm of that fundamental regard. We humans are really good at feeling how we are regarded by others, despite external gestures, words, actions. The person toward whom this regard is aimed will feel it — not consciously, perhaps, but that will only make it more insidious. Because it will crawl under your skin unnoticed to do its harm. You will feel really off, out of line, unnatural … and if you stay in that community of love, you cannot help regarding yourself as they do. Love will turn into something it was never meant to be: harm, disconnection, and yes, a form of psychological torture.
I wish it weren’t so, but there will be some leaders, even pastors in these churches, who privately don’t buy the party line ... and these are the ones who can do the most harm. They may express support for you. They may share their own religious “struggle” within the church to change the policies based on toxic-to-you assessment that your sexuality or gender identity is perverse. But they won’t lift a finder to stand up for you when push comes to shove — and it always will — and they won’t risk their standing in the church for you.
When someone tells you, “I think any sex with a member of the same gender is wrong, and gender-transition is rebelling against God … and if you won’t change, you’re not welcome here,” it hurts, but you can handle it. You’ve been duly warned and you can act accordingly. But that’s not what happens in these churches anymore. The people in these churches believe the myth they have told themselves over and over — Come as You are You’ll be Loved. What they don’t realize, what they can’t realize because it would cost them too much, is that their love is the context for the torture.
